Guest Post: Lessons Learned

My dear, hilarious friend just sent me these lessons that she’s learned from years of shitty dating. She has some really good tips in here, take note. Enjoy!

If we’re talking about awful dating mishaps, I’ve had more than my fair share.  Cheesy Cass, S. Smalls, Foreign Bartenders #1 and #2, Big City Douchebag, All American, Family Friend, Smith, T-Bone, Whisky, Jordan — these are a few of my misadventures in the dating world, from a time when I was more tolerant of unfortunate circumstances.  In the interest of moving the fairer sex forward in our dating evolution, I include lessons I’ve learned from a few of the men from my past.

Lesson #1 from Cheesy Cass: If you’re already bored with the guy while you’re making out at the bar, do not take him home with you.

In my younger days, I got myself into trouble when I was bored.  Trust me ladies, they only become more annoying.  Before you know it, they’re making you walk on the beach with them in between making out, and then you’re there, watching the sunrise on spring break, and you have to listen to all kind of awful cheesy bullshit.  It’s not awesome.  Cut your losses early.

Lesson #2 from S. Smalls: Protect yourself.

If they’re small, the regular size condoms don’t fit, so it’s harder to tell if, say, the condom breaks.  And you don’t find out until 2 weeks have passed because, well, just because.  And then you have to figure out how foreign clinics work, and the doctors are judgey and think you’re an American Slut just because you’re dating Unfortunate American Boy.  Stay on birth control, and be safe.  If the above happens, I found joy in tormenting S. Smalls, but then I actually considered hooking up with him again after all was resolved.  NO.

Lesson #3 from Foreign Bartender #1: It can be awkward to be intimate in a foreign language.  Have a game plan.

I think this one is self explanatory.

Lesson #4 from Foreign Bartender #2: If they’re both married AND have a girlfriend and think it’s appropriate to tell you this only after the fact, kick them out immediately.  Because, they’re gross.  Perhaps just avoid French Bartenders all together.

Lesson # 5 from Big City Douchebag: He should be a gentleman.  Period end.

He should put a little thought into the location and not just take you to ”his” restaurant, where he takes all his ladies.  It’s not impressive, it’s a turn off.  How many girls have come here with you before me?  Never, at any time, should he ask what kind of undergarments you’re wearing, nor should he try to reach for them.  NOR should he discuss the labels of his jeans or shoes (Diesel and Prada, respectively), and tell you his shoes are stuck up and need to sit on the banquet next to you.  Do not let him try (key word here) to make out with you in a nice restaurant on your first date.  When these things happen ladies, just go home.  Don’t be polite and wait until the end of the date.  Granted, you may be too shocked, as I was, to react in a reasonably horrified manner.  Also, if they’re that much older than you are but act like they’re that much younger, just take note of that.  You may have a Peter Pan on your hands.

Lesson #6 from Smith and Jordan: If too many injuries arise as a result of your escapades, it may be time to call it quits.

Two things can happen in this scenario.  Either you laugh about bloody noses and missing teeth and shelving falling on your head leaving a permanent scar on your forehead, or you call it quits.  So far, quits has won.

Lesson #7 from T-Bone: Nice isn’t enough.  Oh, and: find someone you’re really compatible with.

Staying in a relationship that’s stable with someone who’s just nice and boring (instead of nice and fun and outgoing and giving) is not for everyone.  It’s also important to find someone who is compatible with you, especially in the bedroom.  For me, that ends up being a pretty reliable barometer for the health of the relationship.  If you’re looking for a long-term partner, that’s going to be key.

And finally, a lesson for myself: Sometimes, we surprise ourselves.  Give yourself a break, learn from your mistakes and try to avoid the above situations in the future.  If you don’t, then they make for good stories and blog posts!

Thank you so much for sending that in. You’re a smart cookie! Keep ‘em coming ladies!