Guest Post: Sam, My Ex

When I first started this blog, I didn’t share it with anyone from my past, and I of course never shared it with anyone I’ve dated. Today however, I was talking to Sam, (my ex who you can read about here and here) and it just came up so naturally, I couldn’t hide it any more. Sam is one of those people from the past whom I’ll never really let go of. He’s sometimes a jerk, and sometimes the best friend ever, and most of the time somewhere in between, but his best quality is that he is unendingly, devotedly, and sometimes annoyingly honest (though his memory is shit, so he sometimes gets the facts wrong). My mention of this blog sparked a pretty intense conversation between he and I, it’s been a while since we’ve spoken and it was nice to reconnect and reminisce about our past. And he wrote a post, which outlines what he thinks my problem is. He’s mostly right, though I argue that I’ve changed since high school, I’d say that what he discusses is probably my most serious downfall in relationships. Still, it’s interesting to hear it from the horses mouth. So here it is, a post from Sam. Thanks, dude!

Hiya!  “Sam” here.

“Rebel” (…I’m going to call her “R”)tells me that I’m the only person she’s ever really dated, and so I have a unique perspective on our relationship.  I’ve put together a few thoughts about her and our relationship and maybe some inklings of lessons that can be drawn from it.  Most probably, it will amount to nothing more than my own personal experience, but who knows!

We dated, only for about 3 months, 8-9 years ago while R was still in high school.  As you may have read, I broke up with her for another girl.  This was crappy of me, but this post isn’t about me.  This post seeks to understand why I broke up with R, in the hopes that whatever my reason was might be related to the difficulty she’s been having in general.

I should note that our relationship has been rather explosive ever since the beginning – there’s always been a kind of push and pull mechanic, but one that’s really too dramatic and harmful.  Our pattern has been that I pull her in, and once she accepts me, I reject her.  It has continued, albeit with far less frequency, even into the past year.  We most recently went on a trip together in which I tried desperately to woo her, to the point where I was actually a jerk about it.  She, rightly, rejected me as she knows our pattern and she knew by then that it would lead to rejection.  I definitely sound like the bad guy right now, but believe me, it’s not a position I like being in.  I’ve just had an intoxicating attraction to her, but something always pushes me away at the end of the day.

R was the whole package; she’s sexy, smart, talented, driven, funny… well, maybe not funny.  And not not-funny because she’s incapable of comedy, but not-funny because most of her humor has an agenda outside of being funny (kind of like the reason that “partisan political comedy” can never be funny).  Actually, this speaks to the issue I want to  bring up which is, simply, confidence.  R exudes an air of confidence;  it is almost as though she is constantly telling you, verbally, “I am condfident, I am confident, I am confident.”  Even this blog, even the banner up top says the same thing to me.  What I think she does is say “I’m confident” to you, but then to avoid being called out on it, she claims that it was a joke.  This is usually very transparent after just a few meetings.

In short, the reason R has difficulty finding a mate is simple:  she’s trying too hard.  Need more evidence?  She has a blog about it.  She may keep this blog’s existence hidden from her mates, but the force behind it – insecurity – is all too visible.  I have known R since high school, and back then she was definitely in a sort of downward spiral situation – one that many people find themselves in in HS, but with her I think it was more pronounced, probably because of her massive potential.  She was insecure, so she would sort of act out out of it, and people would react badly, and then she’d become more insecure.  When I say “act out”, I don’t mean anything extreme;  just she would try too hard.  She’d talk too much and say things to try to sell everyone on her cool-ness.  I don’t think this is a pattern that started, or ended, with high school.  Out-growing problematic behavior patterns usually doesn’t happen as much as adults just get better at masking it.

I love R unconditionally, and she is quite like a family member to me.  I write all of this only out of an interest of helping, and I hope that’s clear.  For a long time I’ve been confused as to why I didn’t want to date someone who is, on paper, everything I want in a woman.  Hopefully I’ve shed some light on why that is.

Love, Sam

This post has definitely gotten me thinking. I’m going to reflect and write a response soon, so stay tuned.