Fin
OK, so there probably aren’t many of you left out there, but I’m going to write this anyway. Finish what I started. It’s four months past deadline since I took on the colossal task of living The Rules for a year. In the beginning, it seemed to be working. I was being asked on more second and third dates, and I was able to be more rejecting of men who I might have otherwise liked, but weren’t treating me how they should. The great lesson I learned from the Rules, is reject, reject, reject. If they don’t pay for the first three dates…Reject. If they don’t call incessantly…Reject. If they don’t ask you out with enough notice…Reject. It’s actually a nice, somewhat easy way to live. All that rejection can make a person feel pretty good about themselves. And there is an extent to which I, and women in general, tend to accept men who do not treat us with the respect we deserve, because we’re told that this is the age of modern feminism. We’re taught that we can be the aggressors, the hunters, so if a guy doesn’t call, we should just call him. If he asks us out on the same day he wants to go out, we go, thinking that this is just the way contemporary dating works. Everything is more casual these days. And if we don’t go with the flow, who will ever love us?
The problem with The Rules, as with everything, is that it’s just not black and white, right or wrong. I wanted to end this blog with a sweeping judgment that either the Rules are absolute malarkey, or they’re pure genius. But they’re neither and both. In some ways, they have the right idea. Dating is hard enough without throwing out all the preconceptions about male and female roles that we were raised with. It’s nice to have a set of rules that can tell you, yes, there is still order in this world, all is not lost to chaos, the man should still pay, and you should still shave your legs and bat your eyelashes. Because let’s face it, a first date is awkward enough without trying to prove our intellect, sense of humor, independence AND make sure he thinks we’re hot. The Rules allows that sometimes the first few dates can just be a test of physical attraction and basic compatibility.
As women, we put so much pressure on ourselves to succeed in all aspects of our lives, now that we are no longer expected to stand around barefoot in the kitchen baking pies and sweeping the floors. We want to prove that we are equal to men and The Rules doesn’t deny that, but it instead acknowledges that equality does not mean sameness. We each have things to offer but they’re different, and in the very beginning of a relationship, on the first few dates, there is something very comforting to me about being taken care of, being paid for, walked home, pursued. And for men, I think they enjoy the masculinity in being on the other end of that. The entire relationship doesn’t need to fit into that mold, but in the beginning, it’s a comfort, in what is usually a very uncomfortable situation. And so for offering that comfort, I applaud The Rules. In the very early stages of dating, they are absolutely a great way to take some pressure off ourselves and just relax. They teach us to reject those who don’t really like us, and embrace those who want to take care of us. And that’s how a great relationship can begin.
However. When embarking on a new, long-term relationship, the Rules really are bullshit. The idea that every action should be for the goal of marriage after one year is ridiculous. Getting married after only knowing a person for a year is kind of insane, no? One of my very wise friends described the first year of a relationship as the observation year. You just watch the person, figure them out, get to know their likes and dislikes, and then spend the rest of the relationship actually truly living life together. According to The Rules, if he does not propose within one year, you need to break it off. I think the opposite, if a guy proposes to you after only one year of knowing you, rest assured that the relationship won’t work. And just look at Ellen Fein. She wrote the Rules, and yes, she snagged the ring, but she also got divorced. I’d rather take my time and get to know someone for many years, live with them, figure out if we’re really good together in the long term after all the excitement fades and we’re just two people with a whole bunch of flaws and some really good inside jokes. Marriage as an institution has no meaning to me, it’s a piece of paper. What’s important is being in a committed and loving long-term relationship. There are all kinds of rules about what to do in relationships, but most of them are about withholding, so that he becomes so desperate for your affections that he has no choice but to marry you. I don’t mind tricking a guy into going on a third date with me by putting on a slightly unrealistic aloofness, hiding my crazy, wearing a pushup bra, and squeezing into spanxx, but to trick a guy into marrying you by being completely unavailable seems more tenuous. Because once you get that ring on your finger, how can you ever be sure that he loves you for you, or for the person you were pretending to be?
So now for the grand finale. The goal of this blog was to document my dating life, and eventually find a boyfriend. And I have. I used the Rules on our first date, but after that, it seemed unnecessary. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in, but it’s also hard and treacherous. There have been times when I wanted to give up, and it’s in those moments where the Rules become most worthless and even detrimental. At a certain point you have to assess your own feelings towards the person you’re with, and decide if they’re worth fighting for. Because everyone makes mistakes, everyone will fuck up in a relationship, and it’s the ability to get past those mistakes and move forward together that makes a relationship worth sticking with. My boyfriend makes me incredibly happy, and that’s rare to find. When someone is able to make you feel that way, most mistakes become forgivable. The Rules, just like any book that tries to dictate an entire lifestyle (yes, I’m looking at you, Bible), lacks the nuance and forgiveness necessary to live a fulfilled life. It’s in the moments of most strife, that we really see how much we love the person we’re with, and The Rules turns a completely blind eye to that. They encourage women to end the relationship at the first sign of weakness or imperfection, but I’d argue that sticking through those moments is what makes the strongest relationships. If you can’t be flawed with the one you love, then you’ll never be able to be flawed in front of anyone. And we are nothing if not flawed.
And so, in this, my last post on this blog, I want to thank The Rules for everything they’ve taught me. They’ve helped me think about relationships in an entirely new light, and right or wrong, I believe they’ve changed me for the better.
